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Labor strategists confirm the election’s theirs, unless they accidentally announce a policy

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The Australian Labor Party has got the election in the bag, as long as nobody does anything disastrous like announce a policy, Labor strategists have confirmed.

“Those idiots are always tempted to announce some policy about new taxes or climate change or heaven forbid, women, that makes us once again chronically unelectable. But fingers crossed this time we’ve finally stomped all their beliefs and morals out of them,” said an optimistic Labor insider.

Labor’s top election strategists last night hatched a plan to have leader Anthony Albanese kidnapped and held hostage until after the election to ensure he doesn’t “go full Shorten” and start announcing policies.

Meanwhile, Liberal Party figures appear far less concerned about Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s potential to let slip any policies.

“We’re three and a half years in and ScoMo still hasn’t committed to anything besides loving Australia, Jenny and Jesus. How good!” said the chief LNP campaign manager. “We thought we were in trouble there with the whole Religious Discrimination Bill, but my god that was a masterful last second backflip. Turns out he actually spent three weeks doing nothing the whole time, what a genius!”

We’ve Already Come Too Far To End This Now.

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